Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Trust Yourself...

I've been home from Banff for three days, and I'm still exhausted! All that creative intensity was crazy. I'm just starting to process everything - what I learned, who I met, where I go from here.
One thing that stands out today is something I've been focused on for a couple of months. It's a life lesson that sounds very cliche, very over used, and yet it's so, so important. 

Trust yourself. 

Yup. That's it. Two little words that, for me, carry a big punch. Because, lately (and I'm talking years here) I haven't. Trusted myself, that is. And the weird thing is, I'm just now realizing it. For some reason, it felt really normal, making decisions based on what everyone around me wants. (like the meat salesman who comes to my door every month, or the infomercial lady who knows I NEED to buy a 50 DVD boxed set of workout tapes) And completely ignoring that little voice inside saying, 'What the hell are you doing? Are you NUTS?)

So, learning to trust myself, and that little voice, has been something I've really been working on. Even before I went to Banff, I found myself becoming more aware of what I wanted or needed, and honoring that. 

Then, surprise, surprise, I got to Banff and found myself falling into the same old trap. Here's how it went down. 

I was blessed to be placed in an amazing small group of writers for the week. We were all working on the first chapter of our novels, and, each morning, one of us would have their work critiqued by the group and our wonderful leader, Joan Thomas. I got to go first, and absolutely loved it. Everyone was positive, encouraging, and had excellent and honest feedback. I felt great

Then, a couple days later, I did it. I forgot to trust myself. I started focusing on the little doubts and concerns, and they became larger and larger in my mind. I began mumbling to myself (what am I doing? who do I think I am?) and started sinking into that icky swampy ooze of self-doubt. By the time I got home, I had worked myself up into a big old confused mess. 

So, today, I took some time to remind myself why I'm writing what I'm writing. Why I believe in it, why I chose it, (because it chose me, but that's another post!), and why I trust it. 

Sheesh. Two little words. Trust yourself.  So, so difficult to learn and apply in my life. 

I'm getting there, though. Bit by bit. Word by word. Moment by moment. 

Putting one foot in front of the other,


1 comment:

Sampsons said...

Good to read. You know best.