Writing is a process that I will surrender to without needing a result. The process of writing, the very act of putting pen to paper, is the very thing that will set my dreams in motion. I can't sit around waiting for inspiration to knock me over the head; I must just write regardless of what I write. The only way to get there is to start. I must stop needing it to look a certain way but simply honor the process and the fact that I must write, I can't not write. And I will write about whatever comes at the time, not waiting for a big idea. The big idea is that there isn't one! I live inside my head too much, as a loving friend often tells me. Writing helps to get out of my head and connect to my feelings.
So, what am I feeling? I feel good after running today. My body is slightly tingly like there is a soft electrical current running through it. I feel a bit uneasy in my heart. I miss the romance of my younger years. Those butterflies in the stomach, weak in the knees kind of feelings. Will I ever get those again? I am forty now and my romantic self is rusty from disuse. The hinges on the gate to my heart are rusty and stuck. I need the oil of passion and tenderness to open the gate, to loosen the bolt and unlock my heart. Will this be mine? Or will I slide into old age a rusty woman who only feels inside my mind?
And yes, I am happily married. Husband and I celebrate 21 years this summer. Which is exactly my point. After 21 years, how do we keep the passion alive amidst three children (two of whom are teenagers...nuff said), bills, work, home maintenance, not to mention friends, dogs and a horse? I am on this road with a partner. I am so happy about that. But there are days, friends; lets all admit it; when the bloom is so far off the rose of this marriage that all that is left is a sad, dry, dusty stem.
My mission is to regain this spark, find those butterflies again and walk out a passionate love affair for the next twenty years. Or more. Stay tuned.