Monday, May 11, 2009

What's So Great About Safe?

Lately I feel distracted by my life; the goings-on, the busy-ness, the 'other-ness' is distracting me from the niggling thoughts that are always just below the surface.
"Remember me?" my self says quietly. "I'm still here, waiting to be acknowledged."
And yet I allow myself to be distracted. I choose to ignore the deep waters of my soul that are churning uncomfortably below the surface of my mind. Am I too tired to listen? Too lazy to make the effort to look? Or too scared of what I might find there?
Mostly, when I take a moment to breathe, to be still, what I hear is my true self banging on the door of my heart.
"Let me in," it yells with all the indignation of a spurned lover. "You can't keep my locked out forever."
And yet, that is what I have done. I have locked my true self - my true nature - out of my heart and kept it tucked safely away in a secret place. Like an old relative who gets a room in the top of the house; slightly mad, unpredictable, with the tendency to say and do strange things; who only ventures out for the odd meal and spends the rest of the day muttering and yelling at anyone who dares to walk past the door.
I have not given myself much breathing room, I'm afraid. You see, I tend to be dangerous and unpredictable. I tend to say inappropriate things, at inappropriate times. I am selfish, and want to do things that please me, and only me. I like to speak my mind, dream big, read poetry, dance and laugh. I am ambitious and intend on fulfilling many of these ambitions. I want to try new things, go new places, meet new people. I want to look into the face of suffering and tell others what I see. I want to wear crazy hats and sit on park benches in the sun.
So, you see, if I let this person out - if I let her in, into my heart - well, she would take up residence and then....well, take over. She would set up shop and then all hell would break loose. Because my small, predictable, well-ordered life wouldn't work anymore. I would start disappointing people, letting them down. I would probably offend others with the things I would say, or puzzle them with the things I would do. I wouldn't fit in. I would dress different, look different. I might not always be there to oversee, to caretake, to guide. Plus, there's always a risk that I might actually.... feel something. My whole life has been structured so that I don't have to worry about that whole 'feeling' business. So if I let her take over, who knows what might happen? I might weep uncontrollably, or laugh hysterically, or scream in anger. And then what would I do?
It's really only logical to keep my true self locked up. It's too risky to let her in. My world is safe, and she definitely isn't safe.
On the other hand...what's so great about safe?

1 comment:

Lesley-Anne Evans said...

I really like this Val, imagining who you are underneath your 'regular' self is kind of exciting! I wonder if we all do this stuffing of our real self… how different that would look like to let her out?
Thanks for your refreshing outlook.
LA xo